Sharing a Laugh

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Cool Funny Quotes

I say no to drugs,  they just don't listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
 
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
 
Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 

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Different Professions

We all know that an optimistic would see half full glass of water, while a pessimist would see a half empty one.  

What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

A Banker would say that the glass has just under  50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The Government would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The Opposition party would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The Economist would say that, in real terms,
the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The Philosopher would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The Psychiatrist would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The Physicist would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The Seasoned Drinker would say that the glass doesn't have enough (or too much) ice in it.

Murphy's laws of flying

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late
and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.

2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight,
you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Smile with The Beer Song

12 Step Internet Recovery Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, 

before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family
that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

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His And Her Diary

HER DIARY...

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at Beach. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.


I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else.


I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY!

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Corporate Quotes

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)


"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. 

It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

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IT Quotes

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity. 

~ Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.
~ Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
~ Fred Brooks

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.
~ Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
~ Bertrand Russell

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Irony of Life !

Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers.

The 'Second Class' pass, then get MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class'.   The 'Third Class' pass, enter politics and Become Ministers and control both.

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Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

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Blonde Detective Training

 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

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Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think.'' 

 

May I Know the Time Please?!

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it? 

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Questions You Can Never Answer

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, 

how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder....

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Dumbest People on Earth

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "Would you like some fries with that?"

They walk amongst us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'Where? '

They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff'

They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.

They Walk Among Us!

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Mr. X's Mail to Bill Gates

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from Mr. X. We have bought a computer for our home and we encountered some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account andwhenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.

We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****.

I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are not able to enter anything after we click the 'shut down' button.

3. There's a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

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A Women's Poem

He didn't like the curry

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard

Not like his mother used to make

I didn't prepare the coffee right

He didn't like the stew

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do

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Mr. Inside and Mr. Outside

Smile!

Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. 

Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside.

Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and told Mr Inside to come inside. 

Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

Sayings On Marriage

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

David Bissonette

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

Sacha Gui try

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."

Hemant Joshi

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. 

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Socrates

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."

Dumas

"The great question.... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, 

"What does a woman want?"

Sigmund Freud

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. 

It's called marriage."

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